It is okay to choose yourself!

We often come across situations in life where we go through the heartbreaks and lose love and that phase literally feels like an end. It might happen due to the decisions we make or the people we choose or maybe it's in the destiny, but we all experience that emotionally low phase in our lives at certain point of time. And the pain that comes with that loss is indescribable and sometimes we don't even know how to cope up with that pain anymore and it feels like our heart might explode and we sob silently and hide that pain behind the deep chambers of our hearts, smiles and silence.

When such unexpected things happen we forget all the good that has happened in our lives until now and we remember only the bad things that happened to us. We forget how strong we were and how brave we were so far. We forget how we handled everything independently before we met that person and how we have achieved things alone before meeting that person and how strong we were even before we know that person exists in this world. After that person comes into our lives like a tornado they become our entire world and we just dedicate our lives to that one person and worship them with all our hearts and pamper them with all the love and care, and sacrifice our sleep for months while talking to them. We just get so attached to that person that we try to lose weight just so we can look attractive and we go to extra lengths by getting dressed up everyday exclusively for that one person. We remember their favourite food, favourite pet, favourite color. At some point all their favourites become our favourite and we forget what we like anymore because we like everything what they like and we like everything they do. But all that efforts and sacrifices go into the vain when the relationship ends and we blame ourselves for not trying more, for not keeping that extra effort, for not conveying the things in better way, for not showing more love, for not being more matured, for not being a better person, for not adjusting a little more, cursing ourselves badly we replay the same conversations hoping that we can time travel and change everything and rewrite the story. But it doesn't happen like that. We always forget that it requires two people to be at same wave length for the relationship to work and it is the job of both the partners to nurture their relationship everyday. It's not your job alone. No one in the world maintains a one sided relationship within a relationship and it is humanly impossible. Have you ever questioned yourself that why it is just you who puts an effort and tries a lot to save the relationship and why can't the other person thinks in the same way? Why can't that other person try more? Why can't that person keep an extra effort? Why can't they be more matured? Why can't the other person be a better person? Why do you have to ask for bare minimum things? Why other person should make you feel like you are asking more where all you want is a pinch of love? If it has come down to asking your partner to love you in a certain way then where is the actual love in your relationship?

I always believe that relationship is more like a partnership. It's not like only you should keep all the effort. It should be equal efforts. The other person should also keep the same effort, even if it's not the same at least they should try and meet you half way in everything. And that effort matters. It's more like a commitment. It is like making you feel seen, heard and understood. If one doesn't want to do bare minimum things for you but if they always dump all their pain and trauma on you and expect you to fix all the mess they create, then that's not love my dear, it is an emotional abuse and if you keep on letting them dump their shit on you, then they will do it till the end where you lose yourself and you will no longer recognise yourself anymore and becomes empty inside. Love is not something where you find it only in morning coffees, warm cuddles, bike rides, long drives, morning kisses and in exchange of gifts and clothes. You can find love when someone chooses you everyday, when someone puts you first before their needs, when someone doesn't feel embarrassed to walk beside you in front of the world by holding your hand, when someone doesn't hide you like a secret, when someone doesn't hesitate to love you loud in front of the world, when someone doesn't take a step back when it's time to fight for you, when someone doesn't treat you like you are an option, when someone doesn't go silent just to hurt you, when someone doesn't love you when it's convenient for them, when someone doesn't make you feel like you are not enough and when someone stops hurting you when you tell them that they are hurting you, when someone stops doing something when you tell them that you don't like it. THAT'S LOVE. 

There's a slight difference between loving a person and making a person feel loved. Anyone can love you in the world, but only few can really make you feel loved. Not in words, but in actions. When someone remembers you in their prayers everyday, when someone notices how you take your coffee exactly and orders it for you, when someone knows you are anxious about something and they hold your hand to calm you, when someone knows you are hungry and takes you out to feed you even at an odd hour, when someone knows you want to be silent and just walks silently next to you, when someone keeps you safe even without you asking for it, when someone knows you are sad and they just stand silently when you hug them tight, when someone doesn't yell at you even when they are in bad mood, when someone knows you wait for their message and they text you before going to the bed, when someone knows that you need them when you are sick and that their presence makes you feel better and they stay with you no matter what. You know, that presence is important, being there is important, trying is important. Some people just make you feel loved by staying. They don't have to do anything for you, but their presence feels like enough and it makes you feel complete. Now this is what I call love.

A Love that gives you butterflies. Love that gives you hope, it makes you kind, it teaches you to be patient, it makes you empathetic, it gives you a purpose, it makes you a better person, it gives you direction in life, it gives you strength, it gives you an audacity to dream and to do anything in life, it gives you wings to fly. But there's someone and something above this love, That's YOU AND YOUR SELF RESPECT. Yes, what you read is right. You should put yourself before love, you should keep your self-respect above your love. You cannot let someone play with your self-respect just because you love them. You can't let someone belittle you just because you love them. You can't let someone dismiss your opinions just because you love them. They don't have any right to tell you whom you should talk to and what you should wear. They can't ask you to remove the dark shade lipstick just because they don't like it, they can't ask you to tie your hair just because they don't like loose hair. They can't refrain you from talking to other people. They can't just expect you to keep your mouth shut just to satisfy their ego. They can't tell you how decent your laugh should be and how long your sleeves should be. Girl, if you have such partner just run for your life. Love never asks you to shrink. Love never asks you to lose yourself. Love will never put you in a cage. Love will not make you second guess if you are loved. Love will not make you doubt your self worth. Love will never let you shiver out of fear. Love will not threaten you. Love will not make you cry. Love will never insult you. Love will never compare you with others. Love will never take you for granted. Love will never give you panic attacks. Love will never push you into darkness. Love will not stop you if you want to leave. Because true love is freedom, freedom to express yourself and freedom to live. If it is anything else other than that, then it is just an absolute trash and you don't deserve it. So always remember that you are your constant and no matter who stays or who leaves you, don't lose yourself. Just be there for yourself and find the lost version of you and tell her that she deserves more. So always choose yourself and your self-respect girl, and you don't have to apologise to anyone for that. Just be unapologetically you, the bold, the dramatic, the beautiful, the overthinker, the talkative, the outspoken, the naive, the curvy, the princess, the fashionista, the foodie, the bitchy, the badass. JUST BE YOU and don't forget that you are born to slay everyday, so KEEP SLAYING!

Love and light,

@Author Queeny Yalangi.